Absence

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. Though tempted to bite down on this theory, swallow it, and accept it as truth; I have to question it's applicability to this specific context. How can absence from God truly make your heart grow fonder? In a sense I can see the sliver of truth peaking through the cliche like fascade. Yes, my wax and wan distance from God inevitably draws me back to Him. It never fails to bring me abreast his doorstep, a weeping bundle of emotions and distress. But alas, the distance tends to only create more distance. As my walk with God veers from the ideal path, I always tend to feel ever more distant. The space between fingertips becoming greater with each ill made decision and tasteless thought. My walk with God has essentially been full of mountains and all too deep valleys. My lows coupled with cries for help; my highs rarely coupled with praise.

So how do I fix this? How do I move on from here?

I have dug trench too deep. Striking a plethora of power, gas, and water lines. I have essentially unleashed a mixture of hazards into my life, swirling them all together in a fashion that seems impossible to centrifuge, let alone return them to their rightful place.

I feel as though I am right back to where this blog began. Confused and lost. Searching for answers to more questions than I know how to handle. Yes, it is true, I re-dedicated my life to God. And yes, it is also true that I have not been living up to that commitment. Seems to me that I am the only one cheating on this relationship. God keeps giving. Filling my life with blessing upon blessing and issuing out stern reminders when absolutely necessary. But do I always thank Him for his unwavering love, constant shoulder to cry on, and consistency? No. No I do not. It is shameful really. I am realizing that I am more selfish with God than I am my own friends.

I started this blog with every intention that at it's closure I will have read the Bible in its entirety. My bucket list was topped with my desire to grow in the Lord. With 5 months under my belt however, I have failed to move the buckle to another notch. I am stagnant. Growth unapparent in my daily life. The cross still dangles delicately from my neck and my Bible still rests peacefully at my bedside. Regardless, the power invested in these tangible representations of God have ceased to move me. I fear what it would take to catapult me to the destination I once so earnestly sought.

Once again, I am forced to acknowledge that complacency is still bondage, so how will I set myself free?

Never Ending Marathon

It has been almost a week since my last post. I could make excuses as to why I did not write, but those excuses are just that, mere excuses. Words constructed to evade responsibility. Therefore I will skip the excuses and get straight to the point. I struggled. This weeks was hard. Not necessarily difficult with work or school, but more challenging in my heart. I constantly come full circle and take a pit stop at the point where I struggle with who I am and who people want me to be. All too often it is easy to succumb to the pressures of the mainstream world, to allow myself to be molded into a person that is not me. I have all to often watched my actions from afar in a sort of outer body experience, as if I was doing these things but not out of any real control of my own. The worst realization is that these experiences all too often resulted in faulty decisions that I am still resolving. The world in which I live does not align with the values and morals that I wish to uphold, and yet the pull of the world is so strong it sucks the weak into its gravitational pull. For years I have been weak; have failed to follow God; failed to live up to the expectations I have for myself.

I have become so consumed with being the woman others wish me to be that I often struggle to recognize myself. Do I even know who I am anymore? Who I was? Who I want to be? The latter of these questions is the only one I can answer yes with certaintity and whole hearted truth. My life has become a whirlwind of haphazard decisions and profound statements uttered at a whim. My ability to formulate an arguement of decent accord has all too often not mirrored the argument within my soul. I all too often speak before thinking, act before considering the true implications of these actions, and formulate opinions before the idea is carried full term. Unfortunately all of these flaws have carried over into my walk with God.

I forgot how to trust. I have lived a life where trust cannot be instilled in any man or woman, at least not fully, and therefore I automatically refused to trust God. How could I trust something I cannot see, when those who are right in front of me continually fail me? People always leave. Right? Thats why I have almost perfected the art of leaving first. And I left God. I left before I could even think about Him abandoning me. But unlike my biological father, God DOES NOT ABANDON HIS SEED! He reaps what he sows, and he planted the seed of opportunity in me, so I must watch it grow. I have to tend to it, and water it, and feed it. I have to care for this yearning for God. If I do not , I will surely die. Maybe not a physical death, but surely a spiritual death, and emotional death, a personal death. My fear of death is greater than my fear of rejection. Greater than my fear of failure. Greater than my fear of Love. So I run. Run away from the only thing worth running from: Satan. Here goes my life long marathon. I have to TRUST that God will be at the checkpoints with water and a towel. I have to TRUST that God will provide me with the longevity and endurance to run with Him always.

I know I will fall. I know I will get tired. I know I will suffer injury. But more than all, I know I am not running alone.

<3

Basics

I am taking my time dabbling in the basics as of now. In order to understand my walk with God, I have to make an effort to get to know God, through His Word, and through his prayer. I have begun the 365 day walk through the Bible, and on March 1, 2011, I will have read it in its entirety. God Willing. I am actually looking forward to this, for I think that it will provide many more answers to my questions, and undoubtedly answer questions I may have never thought to ask.

On Day Two I read Genesis 4-6. As I read of Cain and Abel, I was humbled. Cain said, "Am I my brother's keeper?" I ask....shouldn't we all be? I think of the example I have provided for my young sisters, and am humbled at the images I have presented to them. Though I have come to represent hope in the forms of education and opportunities, I have not provided the strong spiritual model that I had once hoped to convey. It is hard to admit, but I feel that I have failed them in a way. And though it saddens me to think of myself as a failure, I know that it is not too late. I still have an opportunity to become a beacon of hope in spirituality. I can still help shine light on the path to God. My hope is that they listen. My hope is that they see changes in me over time, and grow to yearn for the same. I pray, I can me their missionary.

Noah's description has me thinking, would God have entrusted such an arduous task to me? I dare to say he wouldn't. What has been so important thus far, as to make me into a person in which God would not see as favorable. Someone that I do not even see as favorable. Though I wish I could provide an answer I cannot. I fail to be able to pinpoint an idea, possession, person, or thing that is of enough importance to convince me to cast aside my undivided attention on God. And yet, unfortunately, I have done just that.

I believe in God, and therefore I have to believe that everything happens for a reason. My mistakes, trials, turmoils, and pain have all come about because of Gods will. I have to marvel at the fact that my dire mistakes have brought me to a point where I seek Him with such fervor that I have lacked in the past. It makes me wonder if all of this was to prevent me from a mediocre relationship with God, and into a more passionate one. If that is the case, I am truly delighted. And if this new relationship is a side effect of another point God is trying to make, then I will take the side effect, up my dosage, and keep on pushing forward.

The Lord is my Shepard...I shall not want!

Day 7....

Baby Steps

It looks like this is going to be an every other day post. Though my path is continuous, my ability to write is not always as consistent. My thoughts do not stop however. Today I missed church. Not because I didn't want to go, but because I was up until 8am talking to a friend of mine. For hours we sat in my living room and talked. I opened up my heart and revealed truths about myself that hurt to admit. As words came to life, hit the air, and reached my own ears, I began to see the self I have created these last few months and even years. Connections between my past and present were unveiled, revealing a scary reality. Yet even as I spoke I felt like I was healing. I decided I am going to seek therapy. Not because I feel that I have some deep seeded psychological problem, but I undoubtedly have unresolved issues that contribute greatly to my behavior. Not that I want to make excuses for my behavior, but I see the way my childhood and my experiences forced me to adapt survival techniques that no longer are beneficial. They have become a hindrance to growth. And sometimes it is better to seek help than to attempt to fix things yourself.

Last night opened my eyes. I saw the person I have become and it sickened me. It still sickens me. However, just because my past is full of blemishes, doesn't mean that I have to carry those marks into the future. I have realized if God can forgive me, and wipe my slate clean, then I have to also forgive myself. One of my biggest problems thus far has been that though I have sought forgiveness I never allowed myself to forgive me. I hold myself to such high standards, and hold myself accountable to such a great extent that I looked at my actions as unforgivable. But honestly, that can't work. Healing first comes within, and how can I change my life in the most drastic levels if I can't deal with the past? I guess last night taught me that this spiritual walk that I have committed is going to entail more than I originally thought. I cannot afford to have my growth in the future stunted by my past anymore.

Lessons are taught in the most interesting ways. It is a shame that I had to make so many mistakes to come to learn what I have, but with every valley there is a mountain. I am striving towards the peak, where I plan to set up camp. Though I understand the climb is difficult, and the peak will not be without hardships, I know that once I reach that point, I will be more equipped to handle the small revines in a blessed and Godly manner.

I am taking baby steps. You have to crawl before you can take your first steps. You have to take your first steps before you can fully walk. You have to walk before you run. In these first steps I am scared yet excited, but I know that running prematurely will only get me hurt...so instead I take steps, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. I am taking steps with God, walking in his footprints, ready to pick up the pace.

Day 5....

The Fork In The Road

My absence as of yesterday is not attributed to anything other than deep contemplation and a hint of laziness. A rough day lead me a relaxing evening in which internal contemplation reigned, and the desire to write was pushed under the rug. Nonetheless I am back. Before ending another day on this earth, I read Psalm 50. It saddens me to admit that this is the first time I have picked up the Bible in weeks. Fellowship with God took a backseat to school, work, friends, and the hustle and bustle of life. No excuse, I'll admit, but the truth nonetheless. Psalm 50 was the perfect passage for me to read at a time like this. It preaches of how forgetting God will cost us everything. If I walk in the ways of the world, my path will not only be destructive, but it will destroy me. All of me. Everything I have worked for, everything God has blessed me with, everything He has planned for me.

A large part of me fears that this destruction is already set into motion. Any one of my reckless decisions could come back to haunt me at any time, and I know this. And all the while I am continuously seeing blessings rain down on me. Through all of this God has shown great amounts of love for me, and how have I repaid him? With nothing but a few "Praise God"s and half hearted prayers. I constantly beg for forgiveness and strength and yet do not act renewed. If I were to spend as much energy on my relationship with God as I do passing a test, or planning a weekend, I would surely not be in the predicament that I am at this present time. I despise laziness and yet when it comes to my father, that is what I am. Lazy.

I wish I could make promises of a new me at the sight of tomorrows sunrise, but realistically I know that rebirth takes time. It is a process that if embarked upon, will reveal truths that I may not be ready to see. I am ugly. My heart is not pure. My mind is not pure. My intentions have not been pure. Though I know that God will purify me, I have to first attempt to purify myself. God cannot, and will not do all the work himself, for if we do not show effort, we cannot improve.

Instead of empty promises, or goals set too high, I today make the promise to try. To put in work. To shed my lazy skin and prepare myself for the road ahead. And as I take my first steps on the path of Godliness and purity, I take only the Word of God. None of the 'essentials' I once thought necessary. None of the ideas, materials, or habits I all too often think are important. Everything I need, God will provide. Anything I want, God will scrutinize, judge, and provide upon the basis of my needs. Anything that threatens my existence, God will help me defeat. Anything that I encounter, I will entrust in Him, for I have been carrying a burden meant for two for twenty years. It is time to TRULY give it all to God!

Day 3.....

Wrong Turn

The bars were set so high, that maybe I was destined to fail, but I never thought I would fall. Stumble maybe. Loose my footing? Sure. But fall? Fall flat on my face? Never. I fought for years to keep my head above water; struggled to ensure that my head just above the rising level. Grounded myself to ensure my footing was secure. Prayed. Read a little. Searched inward with reflections so severe that mirrors no longer showed my face, but revealed my beating heart. Convictions and all. My worth and value rooted in confidence, leaning toward solar nutrients in order to substantiate the changes required to continue on this path of growth. Yet each night, as the solar supply wanes, I am left to darkness. I stand still in the still of the dark and contemplate the self that will arise upon dawn.

You see, I fell. Scraped my knees on pavement so hard that the scars wounded my heart. I faltered. And not a momentarily and fleeting lapse of judgement, no...no this has been a maladaptive personality adjustment that is threatening permanence, and the worst of it all I lack the desire to change it. I see the flaws glaring in my face, flashing as a warning of the dangers that lurk ahead and I do nothing. Internal wars flare for roughly half of my being is screaming to turn back, while the lack of conscience propels me forward. And what am I to do? I have walked the path paved with a conscience this long, and have reaped no rewards, only pain and heartbreak. Yet I still experience conviction, leaving me to wonder if conviction stems from a conscience, or simply a cognitive dissonance? And if it is a cognitive dissonance, what do I change to align my thoughts and actions? My temptation is to say actions, for mere will can produce an alternate set of actions, aligning more closely to the thoughts I hold. But is that enough? Will a solution be reached or will a symbolic band aid provide a short term result? The more challenging approach would be to reconstruct my way of thinking, however this path is more tumultuous for belief systems can take many forms, and which one do I adopt? Worldly or spiritual? Live for the now or future?

I ask these questions with the already in mind. It is time to TRULY give it all to God. I have attempted this many times while refraining from giving all of me. I have kept pieces of my past, thinking that I could bury them in my present, as souvenirs for the future. This attempt at a spiritual rebirth has undoubtedly left me at a stand still. The fear of embarking upon such a spiritual journey has me paralyzed. This fear stems from the possibility that I have destroyed my innocence to a point of no return. I have to wonder, can God still love me if I have forgotten Him, even if for a moment? So I pray... for forgiveness, for clarity, for growth, for a rebirth that lasts a lifetime. If God can aid me in the recreation of me, then I believe that everything else will fall into place. This I have to believe.

Day 1......