Never Ending Marathon

It has been almost a week since my last post. I could make excuses as to why I did not write, but those excuses are just that, mere excuses. Words constructed to evade responsibility. Therefore I will skip the excuses and get straight to the point. I struggled. This weeks was hard. Not necessarily difficult with work or school, but more challenging in my heart. I constantly come full circle and take a pit stop at the point where I struggle with who I am and who people want me to be. All too often it is easy to succumb to the pressures of the mainstream world, to allow myself to be molded into a person that is not me. I have all to often watched my actions from afar in a sort of outer body experience, as if I was doing these things but not out of any real control of my own. The worst realization is that these experiences all too often resulted in faulty decisions that I am still resolving. The world in which I live does not align with the values and morals that I wish to uphold, and yet the pull of the world is so strong it sucks the weak into its gravitational pull. For years I have been weak; have failed to follow God; failed to live up to the expectations I have for myself.

I have become so consumed with being the woman others wish me to be that I often struggle to recognize myself. Do I even know who I am anymore? Who I was? Who I want to be? The latter of these questions is the only one I can answer yes with certaintity and whole hearted truth. My life has become a whirlwind of haphazard decisions and profound statements uttered at a whim. My ability to formulate an arguement of decent accord has all too often not mirrored the argument within my soul. I all too often speak before thinking, act before considering the true implications of these actions, and formulate opinions before the idea is carried full term. Unfortunately all of these flaws have carried over into my walk with God.

I forgot how to trust. I have lived a life where trust cannot be instilled in any man or woman, at least not fully, and therefore I automatically refused to trust God. How could I trust something I cannot see, when those who are right in front of me continually fail me? People always leave. Right? Thats why I have almost perfected the art of leaving first. And I left God. I left before I could even think about Him abandoning me. But unlike my biological father, God DOES NOT ABANDON HIS SEED! He reaps what he sows, and he planted the seed of opportunity in me, so I must watch it grow. I have to tend to it, and water it, and feed it. I have to care for this yearning for God. If I do not , I will surely die. Maybe not a physical death, but surely a spiritual death, and emotional death, a personal death. My fear of death is greater than my fear of rejection. Greater than my fear of failure. Greater than my fear of Love. So I run. Run away from the only thing worth running from: Satan. Here goes my life long marathon. I have to TRUST that God will be at the checkpoints with water and a towel. I have to TRUST that God will provide me with the longevity and endurance to run with Him always.

I know I will fall. I know I will get tired. I know I will suffer injury. But more than all, I know I am not running alone.

<3