Baby Steps

It looks like this is going to be an every other day post. Though my path is continuous, my ability to write is not always as consistent. My thoughts do not stop however. Today I missed church. Not because I didn't want to go, but because I was up until 8am talking to a friend of mine. For hours we sat in my living room and talked. I opened up my heart and revealed truths about myself that hurt to admit. As words came to life, hit the air, and reached my own ears, I began to see the self I have created these last few months and even years. Connections between my past and present were unveiled, revealing a scary reality. Yet even as I spoke I felt like I was healing. I decided I am going to seek therapy. Not because I feel that I have some deep seeded psychological problem, but I undoubtedly have unresolved issues that contribute greatly to my behavior. Not that I want to make excuses for my behavior, but I see the way my childhood and my experiences forced me to adapt survival techniques that no longer are beneficial. They have become a hindrance to growth. And sometimes it is better to seek help than to attempt to fix things yourself.

Last night opened my eyes. I saw the person I have become and it sickened me. It still sickens me. However, just because my past is full of blemishes, doesn't mean that I have to carry those marks into the future. I have realized if God can forgive me, and wipe my slate clean, then I have to also forgive myself. One of my biggest problems thus far has been that though I have sought forgiveness I never allowed myself to forgive me. I hold myself to such high standards, and hold myself accountable to such a great extent that I looked at my actions as unforgivable. But honestly, that can't work. Healing first comes within, and how can I change my life in the most drastic levels if I can't deal with the past? I guess last night taught me that this spiritual walk that I have committed is going to entail more than I originally thought. I cannot afford to have my growth in the future stunted by my past anymore.

Lessons are taught in the most interesting ways. It is a shame that I had to make so many mistakes to come to learn what I have, but with every valley there is a mountain. I am striving towards the peak, where I plan to set up camp. Though I understand the climb is difficult, and the peak will not be without hardships, I know that once I reach that point, I will be more equipped to handle the small revines in a blessed and Godly manner.

I am taking baby steps. You have to crawl before you can take your first steps. You have to take your first steps before you can fully walk. You have to walk before you run. In these first steps I am scared yet excited, but I know that running prematurely will only get me hurt...so instead I take steps, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. I am taking steps with God, walking in his footprints, ready to pick up the pace.

Day 5....