The Fork In The Road

My absence as of yesterday is not attributed to anything other than deep contemplation and a hint of laziness. A rough day lead me a relaxing evening in which internal contemplation reigned, and the desire to write was pushed under the rug. Nonetheless I am back. Before ending another day on this earth, I read Psalm 50. It saddens me to admit that this is the first time I have picked up the Bible in weeks. Fellowship with God took a backseat to school, work, friends, and the hustle and bustle of life. No excuse, I'll admit, but the truth nonetheless. Psalm 50 was the perfect passage for me to read at a time like this. It preaches of how forgetting God will cost us everything. If I walk in the ways of the world, my path will not only be destructive, but it will destroy me. All of me. Everything I have worked for, everything God has blessed me with, everything He has planned for me.

A large part of me fears that this destruction is already set into motion. Any one of my reckless decisions could come back to haunt me at any time, and I know this. And all the while I am continuously seeing blessings rain down on me. Through all of this God has shown great amounts of love for me, and how have I repaid him? With nothing but a few "Praise God"s and half hearted prayers. I constantly beg for forgiveness and strength and yet do not act renewed. If I were to spend as much energy on my relationship with God as I do passing a test, or planning a weekend, I would surely not be in the predicament that I am at this present time. I despise laziness and yet when it comes to my father, that is what I am. Lazy.

I wish I could make promises of a new me at the sight of tomorrows sunrise, but realistically I know that rebirth takes time. It is a process that if embarked upon, will reveal truths that I may not be ready to see. I am ugly. My heart is not pure. My mind is not pure. My intentions have not been pure. Though I know that God will purify me, I have to first attempt to purify myself. God cannot, and will not do all the work himself, for if we do not show effort, we cannot improve.

Instead of empty promises, or goals set too high, I today make the promise to try. To put in work. To shed my lazy skin and prepare myself for the road ahead. And as I take my first steps on the path of Godliness and purity, I take only the Word of God. None of the 'essentials' I once thought necessary. None of the ideas, materials, or habits I all too often think are important. Everything I need, God will provide. Anything I want, God will scrutinize, judge, and provide upon the basis of my needs. Anything that threatens my existence, God will help me defeat. Anything that I encounter, I will entrust in Him, for I have been carrying a burden meant for two for twenty years. It is time to TRULY give it all to God!

Day 3.....