Wrong Turn

The bars were set so high, that maybe I was destined to fail, but I never thought I would fall. Stumble maybe. Loose my footing? Sure. But fall? Fall flat on my face? Never. I fought for years to keep my head above water; struggled to ensure that my head just above the rising level. Grounded myself to ensure my footing was secure. Prayed. Read a little. Searched inward with reflections so severe that mirrors no longer showed my face, but revealed my beating heart. Convictions and all. My worth and value rooted in confidence, leaning toward solar nutrients in order to substantiate the changes required to continue on this path of growth. Yet each night, as the solar supply wanes, I am left to darkness. I stand still in the still of the dark and contemplate the self that will arise upon dawn.

You see, I fell. Scraped my knees on pavement so hard that the scars wounded my heart. I faltered. And not a momentarily and fleeting lapse of judgement, no...no this has been a maladaptive personality adjustment that is threatening permanence, and the worst of it all I lack the desire to change it. I see the flaws glaring in my face, flashing as a warning of the dangers that lurk ahead and I do nothing. Internal wars flare for roughly half of my being is screaming to turn back, while the lack of conscience propels me forward. And what am I to do? I have walked the path paved with a conscience this long, and have reaped no rewards, only pain and heartbreak. Yet I still experience conviction, leaving me to wonder if conviction stems from a conscience, or simply a cognitive dissonance? And if it is a cognitive dissonance, what do I change to align my thoughts and actions? My temptation is to say actions, for mere will can produce an alternate set of actions, aligning more closely to the thoughts I hold. But is that enough? Will a solution be reached or will a symbolic band aid provide a short term result? The more challenging approach would be to reconstruct my way of thinking, however this path is more tumultuous for belief systems can take many forms, and which one do I adopt? Worldly or spiritual? Live for the now or future?

I ask these questions with the already in mind. It is time to TRULY give it all to God. I have attempted this many times while refraining from giving all of me. I have kept pieces of my past, thinking that I could bury them in my present, as souvenirs for the future. This attempt at a spiritual rebirth has undoubtedly left me at a stand still. The fear of embarking upon such a spiritual journey has me paralyzed. This fear stems from the possibility that I have destroyed my innocence to a point of no return. I have to wonder, can God still love me if I have forgotten Him, even if for a moment? So I pray... for forgiveness, for clarity, for growth, for a rebirth that lasts a lifetime. If God can aid me in the recreation of me, then I believe that everything else will fall into place. This I have to believe.

Day 1......