Baby Steps

It looks like this is going to be an every other day post. Though my path is continuous, my ability to write is not always as consistent. My thoughts do not stop however. Today I missed church. Not because I didn't want to go, but because I was up until 8am talking to a friend of mine. For hours we sat in my living room and talked. I opened up my heart and revealed truths about myself that hurt to admit. As words came to life, hit the air, and reached my own ears, I began to see the self I have created these last few months and even years. Connections between my past and present were unveiled, revealing a scary reality. Yet even as I spoke I felt like I was healing. I decided I am going to seek therapy. Not because I feel that I have some deep seeded psychological problem, but I undoubtedly have unresolved issues that contribute greatly to my behavior. Not that I want to make excuses for my behavior, but I see the way my childhood and my experiences forced me to adapt survival techniques that no longer are beneficial. They have become a hindrance to growth. And sometimes it is better to seek help than to attempt to fix things yourself.

Last night opened my eyes. I saw the person I have become and it sickened me. It still sickens me. However, just because my past is full of blemishes, doesn't mean that I have to carry those marks into the future. I have realized if God can forgive me, and wipe my slate clean, then I have to also forgive myself. One of my biggest problems thus far has been that though I have sought forgiveness I never allowed myself to forgive me. I hold myself to such high standards, and hold myself accountable to such a great extent that I looked at my actions as unforgivable. But honestly, that can't work. Healing first comes within, and how can I change my life in the most drastic levels if I can't deal with the past? I guess last night taught me that this spiritual walk that I have committed is going to entail more than I originally thought. I cannot afford to have my growth in the future stunted by my past anymore.

Lessons are taught in the most interesting ways. It is a shame that I had to make so many mistakes to come to learn what I have, but with every valley there is a mountain. I am striving towards the peak, where I plan to set up camp. Though I understand the climb is difficult, and the peak will not be without hardships, I know that once I reach that point, I will be more equipped to handle the small revines in a blessed and Godly manner.

I am taking baby steps. You have to crawl before you can take your first steps. You have to take your first steps before you can fully walk. You have to walk before you run. In these first steps I am scared yet excited, but I know that running prematurely will only get me hurt...so instead I take steps, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. I am taking steps with God, walking in his footprints, ready to pick up the pace.

Day 5....

The Fork In The Road

My absence as of yesterday is not attributed to anything other than deep contemplation and a hint of laziness. A rough day lead me a relaxing evening in which internal contemplation reigned, and the desire to write was pushed under the rug. Nonetheless I am back. Before ending another day on this earth, I read Psalm 50. It saddens me to admit that this is the first time I have picked up the Bible in weeks. Fellowship with God took a backseat to school, work, friends, and the hustle and bustle of life. No excuse, I'll admit, but the truth nonetheless. Psalm 50 was the perfect passage for me to read at a time like this. It preaches of how forgetting God will cost us everything. If I walk in the ways of the world, my path will not only be destructive, but it will destroy me. All of me. Everything I have worked for, everything God has blessed me with, everything He has planned for me.

A large part of me fears that this destruction is already set into motion. Any one of my reckless decisions could come back to haunt me at any time, and I know this. And all the while I am continuously seeing blessings rain down on me. Through all of this God has shown great amounts of love for me, and how have I repaid him? With nothing but a few "Praise God"s and half hearted prayers. I constantly beg for forgiveness and strength and yet do not act renewed. If I were to spend as much energy on my relationship with God as I do passing a test, or planning a weekend, I would surely not be in the predicament that I am at this present time. I despise laziness and yet when it comes to my father, that is what I am. Lazy.

I wish I could make promises of a new me at the sight of tomorrows sunrise, but realistically I know that rebirth takes time. It is a process that if embarked upon, will reveal truths that I may not be ready to see. I am ugly. My heart is not pure. My mind is not pure. My intentions have not been pure. Though I know that God will purify me, I have to first attempt to purify myself. God cannot, and will not do all the work himself, for if we do not show effort, we cannot improve.

Instead of empty promises, or goals set too high, I today make the promise to try. To put in work. To shed my lazy skin and prepare myself for the road ahead. And as I take my first steps on the path of Godliness and purity, I take only the Word of God. None of the 'essentials' I once thought necessary. None of the ideas, materials, or habits I all too often think are important. Everything I need, God will provide. Anything I want, God will scrutinize, judge, and provide upon the basis of my needs. Anything that threatens my existence, God will help me defeat. Anything that I encounter, I will entrust in Him, for I have been carrying a burden meant for two for twenty years. It is time to TRULY give it all to God!

Day 3.....

Wrong Turn

The bars were set so high, that maybe I was destined to fail, but I never thought I would fall. Stumble maybe. Loose my footing? Sure. But fall? Fall flat on my face? Never. I fought for years to keep my head above water; struggled to ensure that my head just above the rising level. Grounded myself to ensure my footing was secure. Prayed. Read a little. Searched inward with reflections so severe that mirrors no longer showed my face, but revealed my beating heart. Convictions and all. My worth and value rooted in confidence, leaning toward solar nutrients in order to substantiate the changes required to continue on this path of growth. Yet each night, as the solar supply wanes, I am left to darkness. I stand still in the still of the dark and contemplate the self that will arise upon dawn.

You see, I fell. Scraped my knees on pavement so hard that the scars wounded my heart. I faltered. And not a momentarily and fleeting lapse of judgement, no...no this has been a maladaptive personality adjustment that is threatening permanence, and the worst of it all I lack the desire to change it. I see the flaws glaring in my face, flashing as a warning of the dangers that lurk ahead and I do nothing. Internal wars flare for roughly half of my being is screaming to turn back, while the lack of conscience propels me forward. And what am I to do? I have walked the path paved with a conscience this long, and have reaped no rewards, only pain and heartbreak. Yet I still experience conviction, leaving me to wonder if conviction stems from a conscience, or simply a cognitive dissonance? And if it is a cognitive dissonance, what do I change to align my thoughts and actions? My temptation is to say actions, for mere will can produce an alternate set of actions, aligning more closely to the thoughts I hold. But is that enough? Will a solution be reached or will a symbolic band aid provide a short term result? The more challenging approach would be to reconstruct my way of thinking, however this path is more tumultuous for belief systems can take many forms, and which one do I adopt? Worldly or spiritual? Live for the now or future?

I ask these questions with the already in mind. It is time to TRULY give it all to God. I have attempted this many times while refraining from giving all of me. I have kept pieces of my past, thinking that I could bury them in my present, as souvenirs for the future. This attempt at a spiritual rebirth has undoubtedly left me at a stand still. The fear of embarking upon such a spiritual journey has me paralyzed. This fear stems from the possibility that I have destroyed my innocence to a point of no return. I have to wonder, can God still love me if I have forgotten Him, even if for a moment? So I pray... for forgiveness, for clarity, for growth, for a rebirth that lasts a lifetime. If God can aid me in the recreation of me, then I believe that everything else will fall into place. This I have to believe.

Day 1......