Never Ending Marathon

It has been almost a week since my last post. I could make excuses as to why I did not write, but those excuses are just that, mere excuses. Words constructed to evade responsibility. Therefore I will skip the excuses and get straight to the point. I struggled. This weeks was hard. Not necessarily difficult with work or school, but more challenging in my heart. I constantly come full circle and take a pit stop at the point where I struggle with who I am and who people want me to be. All too often it is easy to succumb to the pressures of the mainstream world, to allow myself to be molded into a person that is not me. I have all to often watched my actions from afar in a sort of outer body experience, as if I was doing these things but not out of any real control of my own. The worst realization is that these experiences all too often resulted in faulty decisions that I am still resolving. The world in which I live does not align with the values and morals that I wish to uphold, and yet the pull of the world is so strong it sucks the weak into its gravitational pull. For years I have been weak; have failed to follow God; failed to live up to the expectations I have for myself.

I have become so consumed with being the woman others wish me to be that I often struggle to recognize myself. Do I even know who I am anymore? Who I was? Who I want to be? The latter of these questions is the only one I can answer yes with certaintity and whole hearted truth. My life has become a whirlwind of haphazard decisions and profound statements uttered at a whim. My ability to formulate an arguement of decent accord has all too often not mirrored the argument within my soul. I all too often speak before thinking, act before considering the true implications of these actions, and formulate opinions before the idea is carried full term. Unfortunately all of these flaws have carried over into my walk with God.

I forgot how to trust. I have lived a life where trust cannot be instilled in any man or woman, at least not fully, and therefore I automatically refused to trust God. How could I trust something I cannot see, when those who are right in front of me continually fail me? People always leave. Right? Thats why I have almost perfected the art of leaving first. And I left God. I left before I could even think about Him abandoning me. But unlike my biological father, God DOES NOT ABANDON HIS SEED! He reaps what he sows, and he planted the seed of opportunity in me, so I must watch it grow. I have to tend to it, and water it, and feed it. I have to care for this yearning for God. If I do not , I will surely die. Maybe not a physical death, but surely a spiritual death, and emotional death, a personal death. My fear of death is greater than my fear of rejection. Greater than my fear of failure. Greater than my fear of Love. So I run. Run away from the only thing worth running from: Satan. Here goes my life long marathon. I have to TRUST that God will be at the checkpoints with water and a towel. I have to TRUST that God will provide me with the longevity and endurance to run with Him always.

I know I will fall. I know I will get tired. I know I will suffer injury. But more than all, I know I am not running alone.

<3

Basics

I am taking my time dabbling in the basics as of now. In order to understand my walk with God, I have to make an effort to get to know God, through His Word, and through his prayer. I have begun the 365 day walk through the Bible, and on March 1, 2011, I will have read it in its entirety. God Willing. I am actually looking forward to this, for I think that it will provide many more answers to my questions, and undoubtedly answer questions I may have never thought to ask.

On Day Two I read Genesis 4-6. As I read of Cain and Abel, I was humbled. Cain said, "Am I my brother's keeper?" I ask....shouldn't we all be? I think of the example I have provided for my young sisters, and am humbled at the images I have presented to them. Though I have come to represent hope in the forms of education and opportunities, I have not provided the strong spiritual model that I had once hoped to convey. It is hard to admit, but I feel that I have failed them in a way. And though it saddens me to think of myself as a failure, I know that it is not too late. I still have an opportunity to become a beacon of hope in spirituality. I can still help shine light on the path to God. My hope is that they listen. My hope is that they see changes in me over time, and grow to yearn for the same. I pray, I can me their missionary.

Noah's description has me thinking, would God have entrusted such an arduous task to me? I dare to say he wouldn't. What has been so important thus far, as to make me into a person in which God would not see as favorable. Someone that I do not even see as favorable. Though I wish I could provide an answer I cannot. I fail to be able to pinpoint an idea, possession, person, or thing that is of enough importance to convince me to cast aside my undivided attention on God. And yet, unfortunately, I have done just that.

I believe in God, and therefore I have to believe that everything happens for a reason. My mistakes, trials, turmoils, and pain have all come about because of Gods will. I have to marvel at the fact that my dire mistakes have brought me to a point where I seek Him with such fervor that I have lacked in the past. It makes me wonder if all of this was to prevent me from a mediocre relationship with God, and into a more passionate one. If that is the case, I am truly delighted. And if this new relationship is a side effect of another point God is trying to make, then I will take the side effect, up my dosage, and keep on pushing forward.

The Lord is my Shepard...I shall not want!

Day 7....