Absence

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. Though tempted to bite down on this theory, swallow it, and accept it as truth; I have to question it's applicability to this specific context. How can absence from God truly make your heart grow fonder? In a sense I can see the sliver of truth peaking through the cliche like fascade. Yes, my wax and wan distance from God inevitably draws me back to Him. It never fails to bring me abreast his doorstep, a weeping bundle of emotions and distress. But alas, the distance tends to only create more distance. As my walk with God veers from the ideal path, I always tend to feel ever more distant. The space between fingertips becoming greater with each ill made decision and tasteless thought. My walk with God has essentially been full of mountains and all too deep valleys. My lows coupled with cries for help; my highs rarely coupled with praise.

So how do I fix this? How do I move on from here?

I have dug trench too deep. Striking a plethora of power, gas, and water lines. I have essentially unleashed a mixture of hazards into my life, swirling them all together in a fashion that seems impossible to centrifuge, let alone return them to their rightful place.

I feel as though I am right back to where this blog began. Confused and lost. Searching for answers to more questions than I know how to handle. Yes, it is true, I re-dedicated my life to God. And yes, it is also true that I have not been living up to that commitment. Seems to me that I am the only one cheating on this relationship. God keeps giving. Filling my life with blessing upon blessing and issuing out stern reminders when absolutely necessary. But do I always thank Him for his unwavering love, constant shoulder to cry on, and consistency? No. No I do not. It is shameful really. I am realizing that I am more selfish with God than I am my own friends.

I started this blog with every intention that at it's closure I will have read the Bible in its entirety. My bucket list was topped with my desire to grow in the Lord. With 5 months under my belt however, I have failed to move the buckle to another notch. I am stagnant. Growth unapparent in my daily life. The cross still dangles delicately from my neck and my Bible still rests peacefully at my bedside. Regardless, the power invested in these tangible representations of God have ceased to move me. I fear what it would take to catapult me to the destination I once so earnestly sought.

Once again, I am forced to acknowledge that complacency is still bondage, so how will I set myself free?